Chocolate Cake Martini

A wonderful, and strong, dessert drink with a complicated character.

Fill a shaker halfway with ice, and, as usual, fill the vanilla vodka to the ice line. Fill half the remaining shaker space with Creme de Cacao, then and about half of what's left then with Frangelico. The recipe called for a squeeze of lemon juice, but we were out. Anyway, any sweet drink that calls for lemon juice is often better served by limoncello. So just a tiny pour of that. The grand finale- a teaspoon of Hershey's Cocoa. Err on the smaller side. It doesn't take much to thicken this beautiful beverage.

I rimmed my glass with Stirrings Holiday Rimmer- a blend of holiday flavors like brown sugar, hazelnut, cinnamon, all that crap. It's wonderful.

This girly drink will kick you in the balls. I'll take it over real chocolate cake any day of the week, and yes, it really does taste like it.

5 stars.

Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout

I was instantly wary of a beer that describes a long tradition of this being Rasputin's favorite brew from the 18th century, then says that it's brewed in Mendocino County, CA.

In any case, it's strong. The strongest stout I ever remember drinking- 9%. On the other hand, it has almost no smell. The slightest aroma of, yippe, oats. Its flavor matches. There's a slight coffee flavor, some oats, and that's about it. On the aftertaste is a hint of caramel. It's a fine beer that gets the job done, but it's overpriced at $2.50 a bottle.

3 *

Carribean Martini

Watching Thunderball put be in the mind for a martini, so why not a Carribean one, Nassau being the locale.

I start most shaker-drinks the same way. Fill the shaker halfway with ice, and fill your primary booze to the ice line. In this case, the primary was, uh the vanilla vodka I think. In this one it doesn't really matter. Add the coconut rum until you're comfortable with the amount left for the pineapple. I say half the remaining space. Top it off with pineapple, seal the shaker, and shake the holy fuck out of it.

My problem with 'tropical' drinks is they're often pussy drinks. Not the case here. This is a man's beach beverage. Extremely strong and flavorful. The tastes of the component liquors shine through, the vanilla first, quickly chased by the coconut. I recommend bringing extra pineapple for floaters in case the girlfriend wants her own.

5 stars.

Karlovacko Svijetlo

I pledge to you, faithful reader, never to be bober when I post to this blog. By bober I mean sober.

Aside: The best of the beers o' the month was an Ipswich Nut Brown Ale, which alas I didn't think to photograph. My impulse to imbibe worked more assiduously than the one to initially create this blog. It had a nutty smell, with a strong rich tobacco flavor and aggressive macadamia flavors on the aftertaste. Hands down the best Brown Ale I've ever had. 5 stars, and 5.4% alcohol. The third best of this package was the Jockamo IPA, which I also drank prematurely. It had a 6.5% alcohol, and was 4 stars by my count. Top of the IPAs, but they've never been my favorite categorically.

Back to the task at hand, the Karlovacko.

It's a Croatian lager. It looks and sounds completely nondescript, until I read that it has been brewed for 150 years. The pamphlet describes it as a floral nose, with a biscuit-like taste, and a floral aftertaste.

Quite accurate. The floral elements are easily mistaken for a typical 'lager' flavor, which might, along with the label, cause you to underestimate this beer, until the hypothetical situation where you have a twelve-pack to down without noticing, and exclaim that it's a damn good beer. The biscuit flavor the pamphlet describes is its highest point, with all the rich butteryness and comfort you might associate with such a term.

It's a 5% beer, so you won't be shy with it, either. This, finally, was the second best of the batch I received. I could seriously drink it all day and not bat an eye. 5 stars.

Lomza Mocne

Jeanette bought me a beer of the month club subscription for Xmas. She also has a food blog on here, http://ediblematerial.blogspot.com/, (shameless plug). These two things combined prompted this blooozeog (booze web log. might as well face it- the interweb is so culturally gay). This is one of the beers in my first batch, and an exciting one at that.

The accompanying pamphlet describes citrus notes on the nose. It describes honey, sweetbread, candied orange peel, and white grapes in the flavor, with a bitterness ultimately poking through in the aftertaste, with an overall caveat that this beer is definitely more sweet than hoppy.

My take: the description roughly fits the product. The citrus notes, both in the smell and taste,are prominent. Orange especially. The 'bitterness' it refers to, though, is really more of a sourness, like somewhere between Seattle and Warsaw, the shit went a little bad. Not real bad, mind you, just a little. And it exists on all levels save the smell- in other words, the taste and aftertaste both.

The potency is 7.8%, which is pretty nice.

When I was sober, I found myself wincing a bit as I drank, and glad for the beverage to be over so the next might begin. Last night, I gave it another chance, after other, stronger beers, somewhat tipsy, playing Rock Band teut de seul, and I really enjoyed it. I was also hungry. Make of that what you will, but I say this is a foreign drunkard's treat. It tastes like spaetzle and ludafisk and French buttermilk. I strive, but I'm not quite there. It's quite unique, and it gets laurels for that, but little else.

3 stars. The worst of the initial beer o' the month batch, but not bad despite.

Coors Light

When I was 7, I had both a child's erection, and lack of self-control in urinating. After rigorous hours of playtime, I was on the verge of pissing myself silly. I ran to the nearest bathroom, in my apartment complex's basement. I flung my shorts down and let loose. My child's inexperience was unfamiliar with the pressure required to keep a boner/bladder combo pointed in its required pot. Consequently, it stuck straight up, and pissed in my mouth for at least a second.

This is a portrait of Coors Light where it belongs. It rests nobly in a container cast from the good folks at McDonald's, based on Joel Schumacher's 1995 blockbuster Batman Forever, featuring glass-blown production stills of the unforgettable performances of Chris O'Donnell and Jim Carrey. Below that, Noam Chomsky, The Essential Bathroom Reader, and The Encyclopedia of Reptiles and Amphibians. Below that, my hall shitter.

What was I talking about? Oh, schwa- Coors Light.

It tastes mildly like the aforementioned piss, though somehow refreshing, as if it were urinated from the healthy urethra of Madonna herself. On the nose you'll notice an aura of hobo, on the palette, hints of urine and wheat, and the aftertaste, processed cheese food. It's as satisfying and tasty as a high school cafeteria lunch gone liquid.