Coors Light

When I was 7, I had both a child's erection, and lack of self-control in urinating. After rigorous hours of playtime, I was on the verge of pissing myself silly. I ran to the nearest bathroom, in my apartment complex's basement. I flung my shorts down and let loose. My child's inexperience was unfamiliar with the pressure required to keep a boner/bladder combo pointed in its required pot. Consequently, it stuck straight up, and pissed in my mouth for at least a second.

This is a portrait of Coors Light where it belongs. It rests nobly in a container cast from the good folks at McDonald's, based on Joel Schumacher's 1995 blockbuster Batman Forever, featuring glass-blown production stills of the unforgettable performances of Chris O'Donnell and Jim Carrey. Below that, Noam Chomsky, The Essential Bathroom Reader, and The Encyclopedia of Reptiles and Amphibians. Below that, my hall shitter.

What was I talking about? Oh, schwa- Coors Light.

It tastes mildly like the aforementioned piss, though somehow refreshing, as if it were urinated from the healthy urethra of Madonna herself. On the nose you'll notice an aura of hobo, on the palette, hints of urine and wheat, and the aftertaste, processed cheese food. It's as satisfying and tasty as a high school cafeteria lunch gone liquid.